Hey, do you think it is me?

[Sheermmara]

I was recently reading a book about how to cope with overwhelming emotions and it read, "If you're in a painful situation and your emotions are going to overwhelm you and possibly make things worse, then often it's best just to leave." This reminded me of the many times I've left a party, a camping trip, a get together with family, or a friends house because I suddenly became profoundly depressed, with a sickening ache deep in my stomach. I would feel an almost uncontrollable urge to cry, but if I was unable to get away I would just shut myself out from everyone else and be silent, saying I was tired if someone asked if I was okay. Many times I have said goodnight to retreat to my room and cry. It is this side of me that I am ashamed of and have always tried to hide. To this day I hide my depression from my friends and sometimes family, so that I can have normal relationships with people and not be given special treatment. I feel shy and embarrassed in public, it is hard for me to look people in the eyes. When someone who cares asks me whats wrong I can't be real because I would be too emotional. I want so much to be close but I'm afraid and ashamed of who I am. I feel inadequate and unwanted. I feel like no one would want to be with someone insecure, hurt, and depressed. I keep finding out how much depression has been affecting every aspect of my life and been the driving force behind my biggest problems. It makes me want to feel like I'm a victim and its not my fault, and to forgive myself. For some reason I continue to feel like I am fundamentally flawed and should be rejected. I crave having a girlfriend to hold me and to be close to, and I feel ashamed of this desire, like it is childish or taboo. I do not feel like I am Okay the way I am, and even though I am aware of all the ways my thinking is flawed I haven't been able to feel differently. I can't lead a normal life when I feel like crying every day.

Thanks - Gareth Ackanowledge